I am tired today.

One of my biggest problems is accepting that any given day can be derailed, and then it is permanently derailed. Once I’m off I figure, Fuck It!, I’m off and that’s the end of it. Anyone who is trying to lose weight knows exactly what being derailed means.

Sometimes, a day will be derailed before I even go to sleep the night before. It might be because I’m stressed out about things, or I might just want to watch TV or putz around online for longer than I should, but I end up going to bed way later than I had originally planned. So, I wake up with fewer(much fewer) than 8 hours of sleep and I’ve already sabotaged my day.

I usually top off a a night of short rest with a missed breakfast. I may stop and get 2 bagels and a soda to start my day. That’s not just derailment, that’s straight up kicking the day in the nuts. I get on the train, head in to work. By 10:30AM, I’m suffering from the pangs of being tired and perceived hunger from the sugar rush which I’m now crashing after. I’d take a trip to the vending machine. Maybe Starburst, Skittles, or a bag of Spicy Chili Doritos to bounce back before lunch.

Oh yeah, I always forget to make lunch on these mornings. McDonald’s, or pizza fills the void. Or just another bottle of Coke and Doritos. Vending trip again the afternoon.

Dinner is the only meal that I won’t shit the bed on. Why is that? My fiance’s home, and we’ll usually cook something together. Even if she’s not home, I’ll cook something up and she’ll heat it up when she gets home.

When I’m left to my own devices, I choose wrong. When I’m with others, I almost always choose right. I’ve been aware of this for a long time now. The same can be said about choosing to go to bed, choosing to wake up early, and so on.

I don’t know if I have a point here, except that I’m really interested in putting my thoughts here again. Thinking about it over the last two months hasn’t helped, so I need to go back to when things did work. They worked best during the summer of 2010, when I did shit because I knew I needed to. When I really wanted to. It was the very beginning of the summer, and it’s now the very beginning of the winter and I feel that motivation again.

Where do I go from here?

I don’t know, but I’m going to try to post every day until I figure it out. That’s part of fighting the derailment for me.